Caligula

Bob Guccione, Tinto Brass, Giancarlo Liu, 1979 (1*)
One would think that filming the story of a Roman emperor more decadent than all the rest would at least make for interesting viewing, but.. This film was so bad that it took three directors to achieve it, including the founder of Penthouse magazine, Bob Guccione. I believe this film caused the invention of the Vomitorium.

I was fooled into seeing this in the theater by the cast, which starred Malcolm McDowell, Peter O'Toole, John Gielgud, and Helen Mirren. In spite of the nudity and sex, none of them has been in a more unwatchable film. And they made a "four-disc imperial edition"? Good grief.. you have to be kidding.

I also found the PBS series I, Claudius to be unwatchable - perhaps I'm baised against films about imperialistic, republican forms of government that sends their armies into any other nations they can reach, claiming to bring a higher standard of living and democracy to peasants, and to allow religious freedom.

Edge of Darkness

Thomas Craven, 2010 (2*)
Does the world really need another Mel Gibson revenge movie? After his daughter is murdered, Mel vows revenge on those responsible. I believe this plot has been filmed about two thousand times before, at least a dozen times by Mel. This was also the plot of the overblown Braveheart, and the original Mad Max film that made him a star to begin with.

Personally, he can't do it any better than in George Miller's exciting The Road Warrior (aka Mad Max 2), which killed three stunt men and required a nursing team of 30 in the crew. That film at least had a dog in a bandana, the Feral Kid, the Lord of the Humungus, Wez, the Toadie, the Gyro Captain, and Warrior Woman, plus psychotic killers in mohawks, buttless chaps, and shoulder pads.

Rocky 2 - N

One Rocky was more than enough.. I just have one question: Is Stallone gay? ("Not that there's anything wrong with that" - Seinfeld). Whenever I hear this grating music, "I reach for my gun" (to quote Goebbels). If Stallone milked this one film idea any more, he'd have to learn how to make cheese.